Reader Mail 7

Good morning, citizens.

Before I get into my post, let me just say that yes, I have seen this.  And yes, I know Rachel's chat name is an anagram of Persephone.  Ninja and I had ANOTHER "Yo Momma" flame war over this yesterday.  He thinks it PROVES she's P.  I think it does the opposite.  Please, why would Persephone use an ANAGRAM of her name instead of just using her own name?  Doesn't make sense.  Seems to me like they know each other or something and Rachel didn't wanna step on P's toes by stealing her name so she anagramed it as a bit of a tribute.

Yeah, I could be wrong.  But it's worth it to slam Ninja.  And if I'm right - then it'll be that much more fun to rub in his face. :)

I don't know what tOg thinks of the situation, but maybe she'll weigh in on it soon.

Enough SERIOUSNESS!  It's FRIDAY!

You know what that means, Nation -

READER MAIL!

This week's mail will PUMP . . . YOU UP!

I don't know WHY, but it WILL!

First, the disclaimer: Reader Mail is where I kick back, relax, and answer your mail in public and in the least serious way possible.  Okay, there may be SOME real answers ahead, but for the most part, don't take anything I say in this entry TOO seriously unless otherwise noted.  And if I tease you in any way - it's completely out of love.

Second, an addendum to the disclaimer - I seem to be a little crankier this week.  I'm not actually, I'm just getting a little more comfortable in my teasing. :)

NOW, today I've decided to start with someone who is NO stranger to my in-box, Terry:

"I’m thinking this whole thing needs more action.  Forget about speculating on people getting whacked:  I want Governor Arnold to bust don’t Hugh McIntyre’s office door, armed to the teeth, and spew out 'We’re going to play a little game; It’s called who is Alvar Hanso and what does he do?'!!!"

Dude, maybe before he was Governor.  But we're not gonna get ANY help from politicians.  The Republicans won't go after Hanso because they like big corporations, and the Democrats won't do it because Hanso has in their employ an "Orangutan-American."

No, if we're going to rely on door-busting heroes we'll have to think apolitically.  And I know JUST the man for the job - but we'll have to LURE him there.

That's right, we'll have to put motherfrakin' snakes on motherfrakin' Joop.

Once we have Snakes on a Joop, Samuel L. Jackson will single handedly take out the ENTIRE foundation.  Not only that, but he'll look smoooooooth doin it.

Your concept was good, you just had to think it through a little more.
   
Next up, Arenafootballrufflesaj:

"Hi Mr Speaker,

Ive got a question for your mail next week. Do you think they're planning on Liddy Wales making a public appearence like they did with Hugh? Becuase they dont have a picture for her kind of like how they took down mcintyres after he was on kimmel.

thanks man! you da bomb"

Two things:

1.  What were your parents thinking when they named you "Arenafootballrufflesaj?"  Seriously?  Not only is it LONG, but how do you pronounce that last bit? "Ruffles - Aj?"  "Ruff-Lesaj?"  Is it Greek or something?  I love Greek names, but they're some of the harder to pronounce names, phonetically speaking.

2.  If you want me to answer your question in Reader Mail, "Ive got a question for your mail next week" is NOT a good way to start it.  Not only does it look funny if I decide to actually use your mail and not edit that line out, but it makes it sound like you care only about being in this feature and not about the answer.

Oh, I'm sure you DO care about the answer, but I'm just saying it gives the wrong impression.  Just for future reference by the way!

Does that answer your question?   Good, because we've got Chris up next!

"Hi Speaker,

Since I've been in Italy, it seems like a lot has happened, and yet,
not a lot.  I suppose the biggest reveal has been exactly what DHARMA
stands for as an acronym.

In any case, for all your hard work, I thought I'd offer you a
present:

Enjoy!"

O.o

You are teh win.  You are teh ultimate win which no one else may be more winner than.

*bows to you*

Seriously - That. Is. The. Greatest. Thing. EVAR!

So, who's the unlucky sap what has to follow THAT up? Hansonito, come on down!

"Speaker,

I noticed that you were a big comic fan through most of your posts.   What did you think about the Hulk v. Wolverine series this year? :)"

Oh, I get it.  Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, right?  This is one of those, "What do you think of your own comic, huh, DAMON?" E-mails, isn't it?

Okay, I'll finally just say it in plain language.  Though, I thought it was obvious:

I am Speaker.

I. Am not. Damon.

I KNOW what a "Jefferies Tube" is!

Now, to answer your question:  I'm quite enjoying the series, but it sure is taking its sweet time to finish up.  I've been waiting on issue #3 for what seems like months!

Next up is Landon:

"Dear Speaker,

I feel that our continuous assault on the Hanso Foundation is unjust and wrong. I can agree that some 'Doctors', (if that's what they should be addressed as) and scientists are going too far: like performing illegal experiments. What I feel is unjust though, is the hatred towards every part of the Hanso Foundation. I am sure some dedicated scientist work within the walls of the Foundation not knowing what other evils are occurring there. They are devoted to helping the world become a better place and helping the world to become a healthier place. Just because some of the doctors are evil, does not mean that the entire foundation is acting just like them. We need to open our eyes and understand that 'one is not accountable for many'."

Have you seen CLERKS?  You must not have, or you wouldn't be asking this question.  Which is why I'll let Randall and Dante have this conversation instead of us:

Randal: "There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it 'til today. They build another Death Star, Right?"
Dante: "Yeah."
Randal: "Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it."
Dante: "Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit's due."
Randal: "And the second one was still being built when they blew it up."
Dante: "Compliments of Lando Calrissian."
Randal: "Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right."
Dante: "And you figured it out."
Randal: "The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army. The only people on board were Storm troopers, Dignitaries, Imperialists."
Dante: "Basically."
Randal: "So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished."
Dante: "And the second time around?"
Randal: "The second time around it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction."
Dante: "So?"
Randal: "So, a construction job of that magnitude would require a hell of lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing. Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers--"
Dante: "Not just Imperialists. Is that what you're getting at?"
Randal: "Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody that could do the job. You think the average Storm Trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All's they know is killing and white uniforms."
Dante: "Alright, so, they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset at it's destruction."
Randal: "All those innocent contractors brought in to do the job are killed, casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. Alright, look, you're a roofer. Some juicy government contract comes your way. You got a wife and kids, the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract which means all sorts of benefits. Along come these left-wing militants who blast everything within a three-mile radius with their lasers. You didn't ask for that; you had no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living."
Blue Collar Man: "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?"
Randal: "The ending of Return of the Jedi."
Dante: "My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the Death Star were innocent victims when they were destroyed by the rebels."
Blue Collar Man: "Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer. 'Done and Ready Home Improvements'. And speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics comes into play heavily when choosing jobs."
Randal: "Like when?"
Blue Collar Man: "Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills, beautiful house, ton's of property, a simple re-shingling job. They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price. Then I realized whose house it was."
Dante: "Whose house was it?"
Blue Collar Man: "Dominic Bambino's."
Randal: "Baby Face Bambino, the gangster?"
Blue Collar Man: "The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high. I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend of mine."
Dante: "Based on personal politics."
Blue Collar Man: "Right! And the next week, the Foresie family put a hit on Baby Face's house. My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish re-shingling."
Randal: "No way."
Blue Collar Man: "I'm alive because I knew the risk involved in that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved. If they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listen's to this, not his wallet."

So you see, the very same can apply here.  Any scientist working for Hanso knows the risk involved.  Does that make since, Landon.

Hey . . . wait a tick . . . Landon . . . Lando . . .

NO WAY!

Okay, your turn, Ben:

"ooo ya Speaker i forgot to ask you something quick...

Do you like milk?
Have you seen any green lions around lately?"

I have not seen green lions around.  But my fridge is full of Lactaid.

PS - are you . . . Glory's roommate, or are you related to her in some way?

The next e-mail comes from . . . Demeter, mother of Persephone?

"THIS is what my daughter's been doing in her free time?! Hacking into a
philanthropist organization’s website, consorting with obviously deranged
conspiracy theorists, and drinking Sprite, of all things! Why can't she just
steal things like normal teens? She thinks that just because she's the
daughter of a goddess she can do whatever she wants, and...but I forget
myself.

I'm very sorry, for it seems she's been causing you all sorts of trouble. I
always tell her not to get involved in the affairs of mortals, that nothing
good ever comes of it, but she just doesn't listen.

Mr. Speaker, I would be greatly obliged if you would please tell Persephone
that she should come home right away or risk incurring my wrath, which,
believe me, is no idle threat. We need to have a good, long talk.

Thank you for your time."

Sorry, I don't know how to contact her.  But I'm sure, Mrs. P, that if she reads this blog at ALL, she'll get the message.

Ooooo....kay.  That was strange.  Next up is a Mr. Andy:

"Listening to DJ Dan's latest podcast got me thinking. What is his catchphrase? SHUTDOWN! I think he is trying to send us a message. He wants us to "SHUTDOWN" our computers and go take a walk for some fresh air. Why don't you try it, I'll wait."

REALLY? Hold on!  *Shuts down computer and rushes outside*

*

*

*

*

A FEW HOURS LATER:

Hey . . . there was NOTHING out there except bugs, sweat, and misery!  I don't know what you were tal.....wait, there's more to the e-mail:

"Feel better? I just thought that you needed to get out for a few minutes, and the only way to do it was to get you to follow a clue."

HOW DARE YOU!  I got a MOSQUITO BITE!  If I get malaria, I'm totally suing!

"Go outside." Pshhh!  As if DJ Dan knows what the Sun looks like anymore. ANYWAY! Next Question, Nightcrawler:

"If Alvar Hanso is indeed Joop
Could that possibly make Magnus Hanso a monkey's uncle?"

Pshh, NO!

He'd be a monkey's GRANDPA!  Get it right!

Gosh!

And now, for our NEXT e-mail!  This one is from . . . another really weird name . . . Volunteer Fact Detective:

"Speaker, I believe I have unraveled your true identity!
You are none other than U.S. Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert!
Hiding in plain sight, Mr. Speaker? Really.....I would have expected
better from a House official.....

Mr. Speaker, I yield back my time on the stand.....er......email...."

I don't believe this.  I swear to you, Nation, I do not pick themes on purpose.  This Reader Mail is nothing but Politics, weird names, and WRONG facts.  And if there's three things  you don't talk about at the dinner table, those are them.

Well, and Religion . . . and a few other things.

Anyway.  Fine, I'll answer your question.  Er, statement.  Er, e-mail.  Whatever.

No, that is not my identity.  But, please PLEASE check your facts before e-mailing.  I don't ENJOY embarrassing you all in public.  Dennis Haysbert was NEVER a Speaker of the House - he was the TV President.  Perhaps the greatest TV President of ALL time.

I can only dream to one day be as great a man as he.

Oh, here's a question from a name I recognize - The Truth Tempest:

"Dear Speaker,

 

With all of the "Speaker's Mom", "Speaker's Dad", and "Speaker's Second Cousin Twice Removed on His Father's Side" names lately, I was inspired.

 

This is for you.

Leave it to Speaker.

 

It speaks for itself."

And there's the OTHER theme for the week - PITCHERS! PURDY PITCHERS!

Apart from that, where'd you find my family portrait?  Are you stalking me?  I hope you know I HATE that picture!  (Now you see why I shaved my head.)

There were lots of other images this week too, like this cool one from Technoprep:

And that's NOT including all the beautiful digital photography by The Fox.  (Could you e-mail those to me?)

Well, that's it.  All in all it's been a pretty spankin' week as far as e-mail goes. So, keep up the good work.

Until next time.

PS - Ben . . . is dating Glory?

PPS - E-mail NINJA your anti-Hanso artwork and he'll put it in his gallery!

Comments

[Speaker]

FIRST!

[JustWillow]

probably not second!

[JustWillow]

OMG!! *faints*

[pedrosplaything]

1st?

[harcar2001]

fourth?

[seth]

top 10!

[Tia]

Woo-hoo, top ten?

[Pedrosplaything]

DARN!!

[J]

WHOOOOO Finally in the top 10!

[Tia]

*splashes some water on JustWillow to wake her up so she doesn't miss any zuday activities*

[Pedrosplaything]

I Got 4th!

[Lauren]

I'm here

[sjb121590]

Yay! Zuday!

[Speaker]

Sorry if there are typos - I only read it over twice. :)

[J]

Gotta pop out for lunch kids, don't figure anything out til I get back.
:)

I'm going to eat Zufries and Zuburgers. Yum!

[albatross]

OK Speaker, let's go over this again... Ben IS Glory.

[Bobbie]

Woo I'm high up... I want a Ninja v. Speaker mud wrestling match in order to sort out this Persephone is Rachel business once and for all

[Speaker]

Albatross - wait. . . BEN . . . is Glorie's step son?

[Pedrosplaything]

Iknew you were doung something CLERKis when you said something about being BEZERKER!! I could not get that guy singing it out of my head like 2 weeks ago!!

[JustWillow]

Ben! Glory! He's a doctor, she's the beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. Like a bloody sitcom. Surely you remember.

[Speaker]

Pedrosplaything -
The BERZERKER BARRAGE was actually an X-Men arcade game reference - but now I have BERSERKER in my head too. :)

[albatross]

Ben is Glory, Glory is Ben... Is this discussion starting to remind you of anything?

[Speaker]

JustWillow - Okay, I got it. Ben . . . is Glory's drycleaner!

[JustWillow]

Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?

[seth]

my love for you is like a truck...BERZERKER