LOST: Inside The Experience

Good afternoon, Nation. And welcome to the fourth edition of ITE profiles.

Actually, all profiles have been CANCELED and will be replaced by the NEW feature:

"CONVERSATIONS WITH THE FOX!"

Which would be AWESOME were it not... OPPOSITE DAY!

For more information on what this is, check out:

ITE Profiles #1

ITE Profiles #2

ITE Profiles #3

Since I'm so behind, I'm just doing YOUR pick for now. And I'll do my picks if there's time:

My fourth victim is someone you all know for his obsessions with condiments and boy bands. And I can't believe I just wrote that sentence...

ANYWAY the AmLocke interview:

SPEAKER: Hello, thanks for coming.

Sorry this took so long. I ...um, I had to wash my hair, my sister broke down and my car got a kidney stone.

Yeah.

AMLOCKE: Yeah.

I've been waiting with baited breath. On the edge of my seat. Wondering, "Why doesn't he call anymore?"

I wasn't going to be ignored.

SPEAKER: Well I got your messages...

All 108 of them.

Including the blood on the mirror. *looks around shiftily*

Anyway, I'm supposed to be asking you QUESTIONS, so I'll get to it.

As is tradition with these, I must ask you the origin of your name.

Are you saying that you in fact am... I mean ARE... Locke?

AMLOCKE: Yes I am LOCKE. The Locke incarnate.

Actually some people call me amwock. But those people shall remain nameless.

SPEAKER: So, we can cook delicious stir-fry in you?

AMLOCKE: Delicious with certain ingredients. Steamed Wolf(e). Apollo candy. Mayo.

SPEAKER: What is it with the condiments? (Don't answer that. It was Rhetorical.)

Okay, I try NEVER to get political with my guests, but I do it anyway. So I have to ask:

Ninth or Tenth Doctor Who? (Not rhetorical.)

AMLOCKE: Well the mayo came about as a result of a conversation between me and....

Oh wait... THAT was rhetorical.

Umm, what's the question again? All this talk of mayo makes me delirious.

SPEAKER: I think it was ...um, I forget so I'll just go to the religious question:

Led Zeppelin... or the Doors?

AMLOCKE: NKOTB!

SPEAKER: *blink*

That's....

I don't think I can address that without censoring myself...

So I'll just go to the next question (DUDE! That's like SATAN worshiping!) Since you AM Locke...

Is your arch-nemesis John...NOT Locke? And who would win in a fight?

AMLOCKE: My arch nemesis is actually YOU Speaker. Muhahahahahahahah!

Who would win in a fight with me and John NOT LOCKE? Well I AM Locke, and he ISN'T Locke...

*shakes magic eight ball*

Yeah, I would win.

SPEAKER: ME? But MY arch nemesis is NEGA-Speaker.

Are you... comfortable in such an uneven relationship? I'm sorry, I just can't reciprocate your arch-nemesis feelings...

AMLOCKE: Nemesis, secret crush, they're the same thing.

Wait, did I say that out loud?

My REAL nemesis is anyone with a three letter name. so JNL is my nemesis. If he crosses me he will RIP.

SPEAKER: Secret crush? Are you Cadfile?

NO! Let us not speak of that name.

So, on the first live DJ Dan podcast, I heard you and you sounded so young... but you don't LOOK that young.

What's the deal?

AMLOCKE: Wait, I'm not young?

*cries*

DJ Dan was afraid of me. He knew he couldn't hang tough with this. He hates my boy band power. Even you fell to the power...

So he made fun of me by having a boy call in for me. I can no longer show my face at the Boy Band meetings. I hide my head in shame.

SPEAKER: Speaking of which, let's finally lay it all on the table.

Here and now.

What's with the boy band thing? Are you secretly Donnie Walburg?

AMLOCKE: Well, I've been a fan of them since the 80s. Their singing. Their dancing.

Can you resist that?

My brother Mark and I have always loved them, though he went his own way...

fell into Rap music....

SPEAKER: *shudders*

I fell into rap music once.... I had to bathe in tomato juice for a WEEK.

AMLOCKE: It was so funky. Him and his bunch trying to do rap.

It's taken years of therapy, and a LOT more than tomato juice to bathe it off of me.

SPEAKER: Well, I think that's a disturbing enough place to end.

AMLOCKE: This is the end... My only friend... the end.

SPEAKER: Thank you. Now I can pretend you answered "THE DOORS" earlier.

Though the CORRECT answer would have been "Led Zeppelin."

Thank you so much for being here with me tonight, AmLocke.

(Thanks to the Fox for taking this snapshot of the interview)

And thank you everyone reading to night. You can see more of AmLocke at his MySpace here. Eventually I'll hide soemthing there and... Do I STILL have to give the glyph disclaimer? They're OVER right? Anyway, just keep an eye out.

Thanks again.

Until next time.